Experts say that I need to pour out what's inside. So let's give it a try.

I am married to a narcissist. For 6 years... For the last six months, I have only been able to accept that he is a narcissist and that he will never change. And I finally decided to leave. I'm going to the courthouse today and I'm going to file for a divorce.

We are going through very interesting times. On the one hand, Covid, on the one hand, prohibitions, on the other hand, the problems in my marriage...

I could not accept being a widow for a long time. Later, when I got rid of this idea, the idea of ​​"he is the man I love" became well established. However, I did not have such a deep love for him. And what I actually felt was not love or anything, but trauma attachment. Sure, there's the traumatic attachment, love bombardment, gasligthing (trying to make someone doubt oneself), etc. I didn't know what was going on back then. I have learned all of this recently, by watching the videos and reading the articles of scientists working on this subject in the last six months.

I still find it hard to call my wife a narcissist sometimes, I can't be sure. Then I learned that this is also common among victims of narcissism. Is my partner narcissistic or not? I am no longer interested in answering this question. My answer to this question is now positive. But I am aware that over time he can influence and change my opinion with his narcissistic tricks. Therefore, my answer to this is not very meaningful; because I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am a victim of narcissism.

I don't know if my partner is really a narcissist, but I'm pretty sure this relationship is a toxic one. In this relationship, over time, I questioned myself, my existence, all my values, abilities, ideas, beliefs, and my own reality. By the end of the first year of my marriage, I was so exhausted that even leaving the house was torture for me. I lost contact with all my friends, I rarely saw my parents and siblings. I couldn't deal with the friends I made at work. All my relationships had become superficial. According to my wife, all the people I had relationships with were manipulative, stupid, incompetent, incomplete, sometimes even liars, deceitful, dishonest people. He never told me to "see that person", so I guess he knew it would backfire. But he always affected my thoughts and relationships negatively with his messages and speeches. It's called manipulation, sir, let those who don't know find out :) And at the end of a year, I found myself all alone. I had an endless need to talk, to pour out my heart, and there was no servant of Allah with whom I could pour out my heart...

That's when I opened a fake e-mail account and sent an e-mail to the admin account of a website that my ex-girlfriend, who I hadn't seen for a long time and didn't even know I was married, used to manage. I knew that he did not close that site for nostalgic reasons, but that he was not interested in it at all. So I knew you wouldn't read my email. Anyway, my main concern was not to contact him again. I was just desperately looking for a place to pour my heart out... I tried to start a blog and write, but I couldn't keep up. I sent that e-mail thinking that I had no other choice because I was all alone and that you wouldn't read it anyway...

I have a lot of things to talk about. Unfortunately, this is not my first relationship with a narcissist... I will write them all down in time. I promise myself.

It is really a difficult process for me. Sometimes I have a lot of things to tell, sometimes I just can't write anything.

I think I can tell you about the first time we met. Since we are colleagues, I added him as a friend on Facebook long before I knew him. In other words, I don't remember who added whom. But he claimed that I added him. Frankly, it's not a detail that I care much about, but who added who. After all, it didn't seem strange to me that we were friends on Facebook because we were colleagues, it might seem strange to you, I don't know. Everyone's perspective is different.

Anyway, as a result, we were already attached to each other. It was my first year of my PhD. I was taking lessons. The teacher I took the course from was my current wife's graduate teacher. He also invited my wife to classes. He was also coming even though he was not registered. We started meeting for the first time in classes. He's been to school before, I've never seen it, I don't remember at all. There is a religious difference between us. It doesn't matter to me, but it must have been very important to him that when he saw me he would turn his head, not greet, the room he was sitting in was opposite my room, he was closing the door of his room when I entered my room... In short, these are nonsense gestures. Classic Turkish people. Of course, I am not aware of any of these. I didn't notice it because it didn't matter to me.

When he started coming to classes, we were just listening to regular lessons. Again, there was no significant difference for me. Someone else was just listening to the lecture. But he was trying to sit next to me in that class, he was always asking me something when we were teaching in the office... Still, I didn't attribute any meaning to his actions.

One evening, he called me to ask something, but I couldn't answer. I called him back around 10pm. For example, it was a strange thing for him to call someone at 10 o'clock. It was a normal thing for me. It didn't make any sense. And before hanging up, "Any other request?" I asked. "I want you." He thought to himself, how does this girl know that I want her? However, it is a very normal question, namely "Do you have any other requests?", "Do you have anything else to say?" A question like this is asked before hanging up. Isn't it a question?

He had an interest in me while I was doing what I thought was normal in my own way. One evening we chatted on Facebook until the morning. It was a good conversation. We flirted… I can't lie, I like it too. For the first time that night, different ideas came to my mind. Because I love clever flirting. It affects me a lot. The person in front of me was also a smart person, he had mastered the art of speaking the word delicately. So I enjoyed chatting with him…

Also, because I have an egalitarian and libertarian perspective and he made me feel that our sects were different that evening, I might have forced myself to like him psychologically. Of course I realize that now. I wasn't aware at the time. You know, most of us have the desire to fix, the desire to save… As long as

he says we are different, as long as he says this is not possible, I tried to make it happen. I thought I had a challenge before me. I went above it. I continued. Of course, now I know that the main reason for this is that deep down I feel worthless and think that I have to achieve something to prove my worth.

In the middle of the conversation that evening, he had sent me the poem My Woman. Listen, it's a beautiful poem, he said. But I think we've all read the subtext… I sent her Elif Şafak's TEDx talk. The one about the circles... I'll leave the link here too. It's a very good talk. Of course, he didn't watch the video I sent right away. But the reason I sent him the video is this: He told me something about himself during that conversation and said, “I don't share my stories with everyone. I won't tell anyone about myself, appreciate your worth." In return for her opening up to me, that is, for the sacrifice she made, I shared something precious to me with her. It's like kindness in return for kindness... But what Elif Şafak tells in that video is humanistic themes such as being one despite our social differences, that we are all human and that the salvation of human beings is through love... Of course, because this friend made me feel that our sects are different during the night chat. When he watched this video afterwards, he thought that I was giving him a message and asked what my message was and what I wanted to tell him. I also said that it is a standard video, I shared it because it reflects my thoughts to a large extent, and there is no need to search for anything under it. He said, “This is not a standard video, speak up.” He said things like... Inhe said

the end,that it was not possible to speak openly in written form and invited me to meet and talk face to face.

We met two days later. For the first time, we met outside of school, in a social setting. We sat at the municipality's place by the beach and drank coffee. We talked for a long time, our differences, our similarities, our expectations from life, the environments we live in, our families, our families' expectations from us... I had decided to marry him when I got out of there. Yes, I was able to decide so quickly. I decided to marry the man I met outside of school for the first time.

Of course, in order for you to make sense of my decision, I need to talk about my own past.

I have a conversation about an issue that I haven't fully resolved yet. Why am I always drawn to narcissistic people? Or why do I always find narcissistic people attractive?

When I look at my past relationships, I see that I sabotaged the healthy ones in a very short time and I tried to maintain the toxic ones for years. For example, my first girlfriend was a very good child in her own right. I left because he is not a bastard, he does not excite me. I was only 17 years old. A month or two after that, I started dating Halit, my first long relationship. Yes, in our time it was called dating. Yes, I admit, I'm millennial... :)

Halit was 4 years older than me. I didn't think about what a 21-year-old adult man would do with a 17-year-old teenager. Because I did not accept that I was still a child both legally and psychologically, and that the person in front of me was an adult both legally and psychologically. I thought we were both big enough. And so even though I knew and thought that healthy adults would not have sexually attracted relationships with children, to me this relationship was not an adult-child relationship. Looking back now, I can see that the age gap between two individuals aged 21 and 17 was greater than between those aged 36 and 32, which again was greater than between those aged 65 and 61. In short, "even if the difference between the numbers stays the same in value, the numbers get smaller as they get larger." The mathematical law that explains this is known as Weber's Law, those who want to watch something about this law please.

I need to briefly talk about my own high school. I was going to Anatolian teacher high school and I was a boarding student. My high school was located in a county. Transportation from the district to the center was provided by minibuses. I had a cousin who was the principal of another school in the same district. My cousin's wife was originally from that county. They had a daughter, the second, who was just born when I started high school. I used to go home to them on the weekends. That is, I stayed with them from Friday night to Sunday evening every week and returned to my school and dormitory during the Sunday evening study. Our school was mixed and had dormitories for both girls and boys. We would have a study every day between 7.30 and 8.15 in the morning. Classes started at 8.30. We used to study for 8 hours a day, with a lunch break in between. Our lessons would end at 4 pm. Between 16-18 was our free time. At 18, the first of the evening studies would begin. There was a dinner break between 19 and 20:30. The second evening study would start at 20:30, end at 22, and the dormitories would be locked at 22:30. There would be no after-class studies on Friday evenings. Domestics would go to their homes, and those from distant lands would spend the weekend in dormitories. Evening studies would start at 6 p.m. on Sunday. In other words, we spent Sunday evenings at school and nights in dormitories. If I dive into high school memories, I can't get out :) They were very good years. But the main purpose of this part is to tell aboutwe'll touch on his high school adventures for a while...

Halit, andWhen I first started dating Halit, I was nearing the end of high school 2. We went to the same school. I was getting early support for the university exam and help with my high school classes. Of course, he was in the alumni group and was preparing for university. He was going to take the exam for the fifth time and he couldn't even pass the threshold in many of his attempts.

At that time, high school was 3 years, but I also attended a preparatory class. I was studying at a boarding high school and when the year ended and the summer vacation came, I went to my hometown with my family. During this period, Halit and I sent two or three letters to each other. We had cell phones, but let nostalgia be blinded :) Then he left me as an excuse for my indifference. In fact, I heard from my best friend Tuğba that she became close with another girl named Cansu. Tugba and I were staying in the same class at school and in the same room in the dormitory. We knew everything about each other. Tuğba was also dating Ahmet from our class. When I started dating Halit in high school, the four of us started hanging out all the time. I was a lonely person when I went back to school for my senior year because Halit broke up with me in the summer. After I came back, I had three or four dates. But none of them turned into a relationship.

I still remember one of my dates, it has a place in my life. We were in the same class in the classroom, his name is Sinan. By the way, if I said classroom, don't think it's a big deal. It was a newly established place, like a family business, with a maximum of 50-60 students, everyone knew each other, and many teachers were relatives. This boy I was talking about was the nephew of our Mathematics teacher. He was coming to the classroom with his cousin Ayşe. We were all in the same class. They were sitting with Ayşe. I was sitting on the bench right in front of Sinan. He used to play with my hair in class :) We spent time together during breaks... He was a very kind and thoughtful child. We were the same age, our tastes and mindset were similar. On the other hand, he also had charisma. I will continue with Sinan's story... Oh, my sweet little high school sweetheart <3 It

had been a month and a half since the year started, when we met Halit on the road. We still went to the same school. But since he was in graduate school, he was coming on weekdays. Since I was in the last group of high school, I was going to the classroom on the weekends. Halit's father was a minibus driver between the city and the district. Halit was also working as a chauffeur or assistant in the same minibus to collect his pocket money from time to time. So when we said we met on the road, I was actually walking on the sidewalk and he was driving the minibus. A few days later, I don't remember how, we started dating again. How could I have known that I had made perhaps one of the worst decisions of my life?

WARNING: This article contains details about suicidal thoughts. These parts are written in very light gray, you can select the text with your mouse for comfortable reading. If this is a sensitive subject for you, please do not read the light gray sections of this article.

I cannot remember exactly how I came to this decision. At some point on the way, I was full, nothing more... I had asked my wife not to see me for a few days many times before to clear my head and review myself. But this request did not make sense to my wife. He would break his promise and call the next day, even if I could barely get him to admit it.

I'm a TTM patient and I'm on medication for it. One day I was surfing Youtube at my brother's house. I came across a youtuber's video. The video was about our support mechanisms. For a moment, "Who is my support mechanism?" I thought. For everyone I can think of, I thought I had done them wrong and therefore I couldn't ask them for help in my difficult time. At that moment, I felt extremely lonely and wanted to kill myself. I thought of several ways to do this. Of course, I won't go into details here. I thought about a few ways in turn and gave up. Eventually I found a way that suited me and I was horrified to realize what I was thinking as I was planning how to do it. At that moment, it occurred to me to call my therapist. At first I hesitated because I had not been to therapy for about 8 months. Then I thought this was ridiculous, that my therapist was a professional. And I texted my therapist briefly describing my situation. He gave me an appointment right away and a few days later I was with him. The day these ideas came to my mind, I forgot to use my medicine and my therapist said that these thoughts were because I did not use the medicine. "It is very important that you use this medicine regularly and that you do not forget it." said. The therapy eventually increased my daily dose and changed my medication as well.

Of course, I shared as many of these as I thought were appropriate with my wife. A day or two later, after an argument with my wife, he told me for the billionth time that he was going to break up with me. And I accepted for the nine hundred millionth time. "I'll go on Monday and file the petition." I said. And he called me over and over for the nine hundred millionth time, "Are you sure?" he asked. He spoke as if I was the one who came up with the idea of ​​divorce, not him. He finally gave up on this idea for the nine hundred millionth time when I said that the idea came from him, that I didn't just stop him and that I would make his wish come true. But still it's "Okay, I'm giving up." not with an I-language sentence like, "You think a little more." like you did with a sentence formed in the language. And this time he even went a step further and justified it. He said to me, "You were in bad thoughts just the other day. I am a compassionate person, I can't leave you in this state. Besides, your medicine has just changed and you are now in the period of getting used to it. Let's wait for a month, in the meantime, get used to your medicine. Let's talk again with a clear head in a month."

Before continuing the story, I would like to analyze this speech of my wife a little. One thing you should know well about narcissists is that these people have an extraordinary ability to imitate and reflect. After forcing you to show their true face, narcissists don't hear what you say, they don't listen to you, they don't care about your demands, they ignore your needs, especially your emotional needs. When you regain your self-confidence and give the message that you are not dependent on the narcissist in your life, then the narcissist begins to take on the magnificent personality of the beginning of the relationship. Makes you logical and thoughtful sentences that you want to hear. What my wife said above, "I can't leave you like this." This is the motivation in the sentence. Because one day, when my wife asked why I married her, she said, "You won't leave me alone no matter what, that's why." I replied. (At that time, I was not aware of the real dynamics of this relationship and I thought this reason I said was real.) And in the above speech, "Your medicine has just changed, let's wait a month." The other part is the thoughtful and logical side. I should add that different narcissists will react differently to your decision to leave, read more about the narcissistic personality What is Narcissism? You can visit the page.

Let's continue the story. Even though I knew that this offer was just a tactic and that my wife's aim was just to gain time and avoid separation, if I said no to this offer, I would have rejected this sensible and thoughtful offer of her and I would have supported the negative frame that my wife had drawn/will draw about me. That's why I accepted my wife's offer, even though I was sure that my ideas and feelings would not change and that this situation was not related to drugs. About a week later, I had a covid vaccine, and since the side effects of the vaccine are severe for some people, I went to my brother's house to stay there for a while to find support if necessary. My family also lives with my brother and we haven't touched on those topics yet, but there are some things that are not shared between me and my family. I stayed with them for about ten days. Yes, I didn't have to stay that long. Four or five days was enough. But both my family and I thought we needed to spend time together, and I realized that being at my brother's house with him and my family was very good for me at that time. During this time, my wife did not call much. He wouldn't call much anyway because he wasn't on good terms with my family. But this time, since we weren't on good terms, he called even less, or when he called, I couldn't answer/open and I didn't return. Thus, our communication decreased considerably and I got the break that I had been demanding for a long time. On the seventh or eighth day of my stay at my sister's, my wife and I spoke on the phone. During that conversation, somehow it came to me that I was not bothered by the lack of communication. My wife asked me what I thought about it. And I said, "You said a month, we are waiting for it to be full. I am thinking about it in the meantime. But my ideas have never changed." I said. My wife was left with the fact that the excuse she put forward there actually didn't work. And he said to me, "You look good, you seem confident in your decision." He said something like, I agreed. Thus, the decision to divorce was taken clearly.

After that day, especially after returning to my own home, I had to fight my wife psychologically and show her my determination. He called many times every night, tried various tactics. First he blamed, then he took pity on me, then he said that he would not leave me even if we broke up, that a signature is not needed to continue the relationship, that we are human after all. He told me how much I needed him, that I couldn't live without him, that I would be alone if I left him, that he was worried about me because I was sick, that he thought of me, that he didn't want me to be alone, because he was a conscientious person. He called me every night and asked if I was sure. He asked if I was trying to teach him a lesson. He said that if this was an attempt to teach him a lesson and I was threatening him with separation, I had to give it up immediately, otherwise, once he closed his "love" for me, he couldn't open it back up, or it would be too late to open it back up. NOTE: Normal people cannot turn their love-feelings towards other people on and off like a lamp. Days later, when he was convinced, I had already contacted a lawyer and had a protocol prepared for an uncontested divorce. I printed out this protocol and sent it to him for signing. When I received the signed protocol - I won't lie - I cried. I felt sad. My brother was with me. After all, my marriage was ending, I was leaving my dreams, I was giving up my hope for this person. I was erasing my belief that the "Prince Charming", which I saw at the very beginning of this relationship and thought to be real, would come back. Believe me, imagining a prince on a white horse and finding and losing him are two very different things. And if there's anything worse than these two things, it's the person you've just met, pretending to be Prince Charming for a few months, and then slowly turning into a lousy person who ignores you, upsets you, makes you doubt yourself, and questions your sanity. Because the prince you see at the beginning is the same person who makes you suffer now, and you think that the prince you see at the beginning is staying somewhere, and if you try hard enough, it will come back. Once you have seen it, it is very difficult for you to think or accept that it does not actually exist.

Every young girl has dreams for her own wedding. I hadn't dreamed of anything about marriage until I made the decision to marry. When I met my wife and decided to get married on the first date, I started to think about the details of the process. For me, all but two of the rituals associated with marriage were torture. The two exceptions were the photo shoot and the honeymoon. These two rituals were special and meaningful to me, probably because only two spouses shared among themselves and there were no relatives or crowds around. Today I'm going to tell you how my wife ruined both for me.

If it were up to us, we would have been married three or four months after meeting for the first time. His family was satisfied with this situation yesterday. They later admitted why. But as a result of my family's insistence, the process was increased from four months to eight months. Only my dear father and mother were able to do so much. Again, if it were up to us, we would not have a night of begging, promise, engagement and henna. We were not going to finish the job with a wedding in the city we live in and organize any events in our hometowns. Again, as a result of my family's insistence, asking for a girl, promise and engagement were combined, a henna night and a mevlit wedding were held in my hometown, and a wedding was held in the city we live in. Since my wife and her family did not demand, no events were held in their hometown.

Engagement day wasn't bad. Only when my wife's foster mother wanted me from my father, she turned the word a lot, in fact she did not want me from my father, "Young people have agreed." made sentences like This sentence is the sentence of the girl's father, not the boy's. I am a feminist. I dream of a world where women will have equal rights and freedoms under all circumstances, and I work for it. Still, ceremonies such as the betrothal ceremony are part of our culture. As long as nobody's rights and freedoms are restricted, I think that these ceremonies should be respected in order to keep the culture alive. As a matter of fact, although none of them were a part of my dreams, it was a ceremony that I agreed to do because of our customs. If so, let's do it right. Let the male side want the girl without turning the word, let the girl side coax and then be satisfied. If we're doing a job, let's do it right and give it its due. Do not let friends see it in the market. This is the only resentment I have for my wife's spiritual mother. Also, what's left in me is that she didn't make coffee that evening, so I couldn't make my wife drink salty coffee, she. She, on the one hand, came to work for me, she. Since asking for a girl, a promise and an engagement were to be held together, 70-80 people gathered that evening. Making coffee for so many people was frankly impractical. But just because it was customary, coffee could only be made for parents and grooms. As a matter of fact, I didn't care much about what went wrong in asking for a girl. I was stuck in the coffee part because I couldn't see my wife's reaction, and in the speaking part, it bothered me to see that my father couldn't hear the sentences he deserved to hear. Because these ceremonies may not be important to me, but they were important to my father and mother. And they did nothing to deserve to be deprived of it.

As for what really bothers me, whenever we talk about honeymoon, my wife says, "Look, we'll go wherever you want." said. I wanted to be a Cappadocia bride. I wanted to spend my honeymoon in the magic of that place. I researched many hotels, listed them and shared them with my wife. After today-tomorrow, the hotels were full, our "Honeymoon in Cappadocia" was a lie... Especially my wife, who planned everything she wanted early, delayed the arrangements for our honeymoon, which she claimed left the decision to me. "Why didn't you make the adjustments yourself, why did you expect him to do it?" you might think. If I had clear approval from my partner or "You choose, it doesn't matter to me." If I had heard such a sentence, of course, I would have adjusted.

We spent our honeymoon tent camping on the south coast. We were on the road all the time, we stayed at a different campsite every night. It was a different experience. I would even say it was beautiful in a way. But it wasn't a honeymoon. If we had such a holiday after a week in Cappadocia, everything would be perfect for me.

My second disappointment is the wedding photos. Here, too, my wife, who left the decision to me, escaped cheaply. Whoever I found it was expensive to him, he didn't like their work, he found an excuse for all of them. So I finally suggested one of my own relatives. He is a photographer. He didn't normally do wedding photography, but he would do ours for our sake. We went, talked to my relative, came to an agreement. He suggested places, we chose one or two. "Let's do it a week before or a week after the wedding so that you don't have to worry about the wedding dress getting dirty." he suggested, my wife immediately chose the second option, without asking me. The person who asked me about everything else did not ask me that. Even if he asked, I would say it doesn't matter, it really wouldn't matter. "Besides, we can have as much fun as we want if we arrange for after the wedding, and finally I'll shoot you at sea." said my relative, I liked it very much... The wedding day has come and gone, a week has passed. And guess what happened? My wife said she didn't want to be photographed. He said he didn't want to wear a groom's suit again. He asked me not to stress him out. As a result, our wedding photos were not taken. I couldn't spend that fun day that I dreamed of with my wife. We only have photos from the jewelry ceremony after the wedding.

Now I look at the glass half full again and say, "At least I don't have a photo with the person I'm divorcing." I think. But I should have. I wanted that so much. I never requested anything about my own wedding, including keeping the gold. (The Turkish Civil Code says that the gold will stay with the woman.) Nothing was important to me. My problem was not money, stamps or customs. I made the henna night so that my mother would be happy. I accepted the wedding with the Mevlit for the relatives in the country. All I wanted was the honeymoon and the photos... And I was told it was left to me to decide. The promise was made. In fact, action was taken for the photographs and the day and place were determined. That was all until the wedding...

Have you ever been upset that your spouse will come home from work? Did you feel overly nervous? Have you prayed that you wish it didn't come or something came out but that it would come late? If for some reason he went on a business trip, would you be happy as if you found fifty liras in the pocket of your old trousers? When your partner came home in the evening, did you count the minutes, or even the seconds, until it was time for dinner? Have you ever wished that even if the meal was finished without any problems, my wife would watch TV and I would find some peace too? Have you ever had your heart rate skyrocketed or jumped when your partner called out to ask you for tea? Although you spent your whole life weighing 50 kg, did you gain too much weight after marriage? When you looked at your blood values, did it turn out that the cause was the hormone cortisone? Has a knife been drawn at you for raising your voice during an argument? Did you sleep with a knife under your pillow in case night comes? Have you been slapped for closing the car door hard? Whenever you decide to break up clearly, do you see the person you first met and fell in love with? Were you ignored again when you thought that we could fix it and gave up? Have you been insulted and accused of selfishness because you bought a simple laptop desk for your home with your own money? Have you even been alienated from the dream of being a mother because your spouse will inflict psychological violence on your child, and because he says this in his sentences? Have you ever had to argue with someone who claims to know more than you do, even in your area of ​​expertise? Have you been insulted by the answer you gave to a question asked in your field of expertise that was ridiculous and wrong? Have you ever been afraid of saying a single word, let alone chatting with people, sitting like a puppet in social situations that you rarely enter with your spouse? After an evening like this, did your wife's foster mother tell you that you never talk, that it's hard to put up with your wife's talk so much, and how patient you are? Has your partner sidelined after the fourth date, even though she pleaded with you to stop breaking up after she stabbed you a second time and vowed to get family therapy to work on your marriage? Have you been told that you had prepared the ground for a knives to be drawn, so to speak, by your spouse, an expert psychologist, who is unquestionably an expert in his job, but because he doesn't work with narcissists that much? Have you been told to wash your hands 15 times in an hour in the kitchen? Did you get insulted when you objected? When you say you have just washed it, have you checked whether your hands are damp and smell of soap, just because you have just washed them? Has the toast prepared by your spouse been thrown at your head to have breakfast while the patient is lying in your bed and you cannot stand up even for your own needs? Have you ever taken a taxi instead of your own car to get an injection when you were unable to walk because of your disability? After your reproaches, did you have to be taken to the hospital by car the next day, get out of the car three blocks away, and walk all the way with your crippled foot? When you went to the hospital for a check-up, did your spouse get permission and come to you and then put this on your head? When you lost your grandmother, did your wife call you stupid for going to the funeral, let alone coming to your hometown with you? Have your friends been given silly nicknames and then vilified? Have you been accused of selfishness and apathy for having a coffee with a friend? Have you been insulted and scolded for wanting to be with your spouse when cancer tests will be done, for wanting to go to the hospital with him? Have you noticed that you and your spouse do not hold hands even once in seven years? Have you been told that you were too demanding when you expressed this request? Have you noticed that over time, you start not to share anything with your spouse so that there will be no problems?

In short, have you ever walked on thin ice with your partner?

If your answer is yes to these questions or if you can derive similar questions, congratulations! You have an abusive relationship.

Remember!

Violence is not just physical.

Psychological violence is not unhurtfull, just because there is no physical scar...

I have anger. There are things about myself that I can't understand or solve. I was a very angry, irritable baby. Why is that? What can a two-day-old baby do with the world? Let alone my two-day state, when I was still in my mother's womb, I used to stiffen with anger and no matter what they did, I didn't get better. My mother could not convince her doctor. Once, during the examination, the doctor believed and said, "Our baby is very angry and stubborn, I wonder why?" I also ask myself, why?

After giving birth, my mother, of course, took maternity leave. But since social rights were worse then than now, I think he had to start work when he turned 40. They agreed to leave me either to my grandmother or to my grandmother. Our country is cold. I know it snows in May. The season you call summer either visits there for two months or it doesn't. In other words, seasonal conditions are harsh in my country. For a day or two, they left me to my grandmother in the morning and took me in the evening. But my grandfather said, "It's torture to bring this baby away in this cold. Either move with us, we'll take care of the baby, or find someone else to look after." What should my mother do, my dear, should she deliver her baby to a stranger? He said ok and accepted. Our folks locked the new bride's house, and took a suitcase to the mother-in-law's house. Four months later, when my grandfather passed away and my grandmother was widowed in her old state, they could never return to their homes. On a whim, they distributed their belongings and moved to my grandmother's house for good.

My grandfather was a very disciplined man. But not the military disciplines you know. The man had an investigative, scientific side. Of course, as the sources of the period allow. Also, as a result, he is a primary school graduate, although he is curious and researcher, it is normal to have mistakes in his own inferences because he did not receive a formal science education. As a matter of fact, based on his research, he concluded that a newborn baby should be protected from microbes because its body is weak. However, today we know that the opposite should be done for the same reason. Anyway, after all, my grandfather brought rules to the house to protect me. It was forbidden for everyone, including my mother and father, to kiss, love or hug me. Only my mother, when she was going to breastfeed, could only approach 30 cm. The man determined by measuring that it really should be 30 cm...

Looking back now, I am grateful to my grandfather for inheriting his researcher spirit. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry with my grandfather after learning that a baby's greatest need is skin-to-skin contact, especially with the mother. It may be well-intentioned, but it deprived me of the fulfillment of my greatest need... And perhaps laid the foundation for many of the hardships and procrastinations I went through until I was 30...

Maybe it's because of the "ridiculous" rules, I could hardly connect with my mother. Of course, my mother also played a part in this. As I understand it, I was already born an angry and rebellious baby. After spending a short time with my mother, my physical contact with her was interrupted. In response to this, I stopped myself from sucking my mother when she was only four months old. They forced me to suck while increasing physical contact to rectify the situation. Already stubborn, I insisted not to suck. After all, they stopped forcing me into a silly trip like 'if he doesn't want to suck, there's nothing to do, respect'. It is good that they let go, of course, there is no forced beauty. Even if it's a baby, you shouldn't force him to do anything. But they should have looked for other ways to solve the problem. I grew up a bit, my mother didn't play with me or I couldn't express that I wanted to play with my mother. Because my grandmother took care of me, my mother did not kiss me, did not hug me, did not hug me when I came home from work, did not read me stories, did not put me to bed at night, did not kiss me, pat my head and wish me good night... My physical needs were always met. , I have never been hungry, I have never worn hole socks. But what about my emotional needs? My mother ignored me every morning when I left for work so that my grandmother wouldn't get used to it. In response to him, I developed the logic and attitude that I don't need you anyway. I told my needs to my grandmother, not to my mother. Is it normal for a child not to get used to his mother? Or is it normal for a mother to display various attitudes so that my child does not get used to me? If I'm not going to get used to you, if you don't want it, why did you bring me into this world? Did I want to come into this world? Did I ask you to give birth to me? I used to be very angry. Now I'm just offended...

My mother tells a story from my early childhood that I don't remember at all. One day, I started crying and shouting to throw my grandmother out of the house. I don't want him in this house, I cried hard because he will leave this house. I must be two years old. My grandmother was wearing her overcoat and just as she was going out the door, my mother stopped her. He said, "Mom, what are you doing, this is your house. If there's anyone to go, we should go." My grandmother also said, "He is a child, he was stubborn. Let's not get over it. I'll go around a bit and come back." My mother said no and put me in front of the door. He said to me, "This is your grandmother's house, if you're not happy, you go." "I've always watched you through the doorway to see what you're going to do," She said while telling the story. "What if I really went?" I asked. He couldn't answer... After a while, when I calmed down, he took me back inside.

Do not underestimate a two-year-old's capacity to perceive his feelings and his environment. I must have thought that if it weren't for my grandmother, our relationship with my mother would improve...

Crazy questions in my mind. It's like I'm in a spiral again.

I told you earlier that I emailed my ex at the end of my first year of marriage. It was Mehmet's answer that brought me out of that darkness.

We met him on a forum site in 2008. Forums were popular back then. I finished my sophomore year of university. It had been about a year since he left Halit. I flirted with a lot of people and fell in love with some of them. No one gave me what I was looking for. It wasn't a serious relationship I was looking for, of course, but it was a regular and healthy relationship. Although I was having fun too... When the summer came, of course, I returned to my hometown. I was watching Prison Break and Lost to improve my English. On the other hand, I started to hang out on forum sites so as not to get bored. In the forum I hung out on, we could modify his profile to a great extent, and people in the forum would browse each other's profiles and leave comments. I don't remember who saw who, who sent the first message to whom. Saying that, we started chatting. First we gave each other our msn addresses, then our phone numbers. We added each other on Facebook. At that time, Facebook was still in English :) There was a lot of things I didn't know about it. But I trusted him. We started out. Vacation is over, I'm back in college. I had to change the dormitory I was staying in, I was having a shortage of accommodation. He had asked me if I was considering staying in the congregation's -current feto - dormitory temporarily. "I have nothing to do with congregations." I said.

A month later, about two weeks before my birthday, he came to Ankara. We spent a day together. We hugged each other the moment she got off the bus. It's like the man I've known for years... We walked around the city hand in hand... In Emek, in Bahçeli... 8. Street, 7. Street, 2. Street... Then Beşevler... I took his surname as I went downhill added to my name. "When we get married, the abbreviation will make up his name again." said. I didn't show it, but I was very excited. I really wanted to take that last name. We passed Tandoğan, Maltepe, Kızılay... We went to the cinema. The hall was empty. I think he kissed me there for the first time... You can imagine the rest... I don't even remember the movie :) If I had my current mind... I would have gone all the way.

It's over, it's been hard, but it's over.

I couldn't, mine, another heart.

My body was weak, maybe my heart was strong.

The map, however, was very faint.

Love was a hard thing in my bones,

I resisted, pushed, did not fit, did not bleed, did not enter.

But I squeezed the dirty blood from my wound,

I licked to heal, as if it had passed.

I inserted the scalpel into my chest because I couldn't believe it.

It's over, it's been hard, but it's over.

I swam until I was cut, but when I was not seen, my black

I let myself go, I sank like a stone.

It was burned and scratched, but I watched a movie that I loved so much, crying, patiently.

Now I only feel sorry for you.

It's over, it's been hard, but it's over.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, sometimes it just doesn't work.

Although living with a narcissist is torture, there are good aspects to living with someone. For example, I miss waking up with someone next to me in the morning. I miss cuddling and sleeping.

Apart from that, I can't find anything else to miss because there isn't much physical contact in our relationship. But for example, I would like to walk holding hands. I would like to sit hugging. I would like to watch a movie under a blanket...

It's a strange feeling to desire. Also, after narcissistic abuse, people don't know who to trust. I want to open this place up a bit, but I haven't observed myself enough yet. I am obviously very injured. I have to bandage my wounds. I need to strengthen my self-compassion. I need this to continue.

I have not cut sexuality out of my life. But right now, I am not in a mood to think about them. Now I hear "Then don't think" voices. "I still got it!" The thought is enjoyable. "I want to be with you," said an upscale man you'd just met, before he even saw your face. It's fun to feel. Flirting is fun...

The last time I felt this way was when I was 19. When I just left Halit, I went and distributed blue beads to lots of people with the logic that nails remove nails. I spent time with some of them, flirted with some, dated and had deep conversations with some of them... Of course, since I had not met sexuality fully at that time, the sexual aspect of my experiences was weak, something was missing. Sex was a taboo for me. I didn't get over it until my wife. If I had my current mind, I would have started living much, much earlier. If that were the case, I would definitely be a healthier individual. But here is the neighborhood pressure on women in our country...

Now everything is much freer for me. It is really enjoyable to experience similar feelings ten years later. The biggest pleasure is really "I still got it." idea. I still have my moves ;) My self-confidence may be renewed...

I have a curse. I am very, very angry! As I become aware of my material and moral damage, my ambition increases. The fire of wrath in me! You bastard, he didn't even have a job when we got married. He was on a scholarship! Moreover, when he graduated, he got a job with references given by my connections. Our income has increased one and a half times. But the man declared his economic independence! I can't buy the house that we can buy by allocating half of our joint income to loans, even by giving all of my own income. Even when I receive financial support from my family, the monthly loan amount decreases to only 3/4 of my income. How to live in big city conditions with the remaining 1 in 4!

I am very angry with myself. I think I may be one of the world's greatest self-destructors. I have finally destroyed everything healthy that I have worked for, fed, raised, and achieved in my life. I destroyed it myself. Maybe unknowingly, unintentionally. More precisely, without realizing it... But I destroyed it on my own. When I look back now, I feel very sad. Both to myself and to the people I have wronged. I hurt myself so much. How can a person spend half his life without ever looking back at these troubles?!

I have a friend that I met in college. On Friday, if I'm not mistaken, our first week at university, we had our first lab class. The class was 60 people in total and there were 10 tables in the laboratory. Since we were first class and no one knew anyone, the research assistants in charge of the class divided the class into groups of six. I still remember two people from my group. One is already the main character of this article, Eralp. The other is Korkut, a character that stays in my mind in a way that I can't really understand.

We experimented with Eralp, I say Alp for short, at the same table every week, and our conversation developed over time. Since I was with Halit at that time, of course, I hid the friendship relationship that developed between me and Alp from Halit. Because he blows the yoghurt whose mouth burns from milk. The main reason I hid my friendship was about Korkut and Salih. Right now, I could understand why I didn't remember who the other three people in the group were, but I remembered Korkut. Let's get to the point. In the third or fourth week, the friends offered to eat the food in the cafeteria after the experiment was over. I said that I don't know where the cafeteria is. We were not going to leave the lab together, and Korkut asked for my number so that he could meet on campus, that is, to communicate. I hesitated to give it up, of course because of Halit :) Afterwards, this shyness seemed strange to me. After all, Halit had made a very normal request. He could have asked for my number much sooner if he had any other problem. Therefore, a voice inside me said that this shyness was the work of Kezban in today's terms, and I really felt uncomfortable with myself. But I also knew that I wasn't the source of the problem, and I went and did one of the most ridiculous things in the world. I told Halit the situation. My aim was to discuss this situation with him in a healthy framework, to express my feelings. And at that time I didn't have the slightest idea about narcissism. Of course, my expectations were not met. I've been gaslighted. On top of that, I was blamed. Who knows what the hell I had done that the boy had the courage to ask me for my number! Of course, Halit did not only attack me -psychologically- but gathered his friends from the neighborhood and started planning to beat Korkut. 4-5 months before this incident, because he was jealous of the friendship between me and Salih and tried to beat Salih and again gathered his friends and cornered Salih, upon which our classroom teachers, who are also Salih's relatives, intervened in the situation; In short, I could not ignore Halit's threat as I had experienced a similar scenario once. I assured him about this and somehow prevented such an action from happening. Looks like luck was on my side too. However, as far as I understand, Korkut was the other character from the laboratory group that I could not forget because of the traumatic situation created on me by Halit's threat and this situation also interested Korkut from one end.

The Surname Law is the law numbered 2525, which obliges every Turkish citizen to bear a surname.[1] It was adopted on 21 June 1934, published in the Official Gazette on 2 July 1934 and entered into force on 2 January 1935. The adoption of the Surname Law is one of the Atatürk Revolutions in the social field.

Regarding the surname of the married woman in the current Civil Code;

Item 187- A woman takes her husband's surname by getting married; however, she can also use her previous surname in front of her husband's surname with a written application to the marriage officer or later to the civil registry office. A woman who used two surnames before can benefit from this right for only one surname.

is stated. According to the Code of Civil Life, which was valid back in early days of The Republic, a woman was not allowed to use her surname when she got married. She had to use her husband's surname. However, with the change made in 2002, the married woman became able to use both her and her husband's surnames together, if she requested it.

My birth name is very precious to me. It is an authentic part of my identity. I love it. I think it contributed to my personality and my soul. Because of this, I did not want to change my surname due to marriage. For women who do not want this, the solution method in my country is to allow women to use two surnames after marriage, as stated above. But this is also a surname change on my part and I didn't want that either.

When we got engaged, I told my husband about these thoughts. And I told him thatI would like to go to the court and make a case about using only my own last name after marriage. He said to me,

- No need to try so hard, I'll take your surname.

I want to rewrite this.

- No need to try so hard, I'll take your surname.

I want to write one more time.

- No need to try so hard, I'll take your surname.

Can you guess the mood and drunkenness I felt when I heard this? Something warm flowed inside me. I was wordless. A peaceful and calm smile appeared on my face. My gaze deepened. I took a peaceful, relaxing breath, as if to say "aaahhh". I said to myself, I've found the one. I've found my soul mate. It was as if winter would never come again, there would never be darkness again. We would always live peacefully and warmly in spring. Everything was possible now. Somehow I've found "the one"... With the effect of this nirvana, I wanted to show him his place in my life and his value for me, and I said, "You said that, I'll take your surname..." And I did. I deleted my own last name and took his last name. There were those who reacted, and those who said well done. None of them I cared. My man was with me and the rest didn't matter anyway...

Over time, the fights that started, and the occasional incidents, the unwarranted swearing and insults, making decisions on my behalf, drawing borders, giving orders, silencing, humiliation, gaslighting, fugitive fights, efforts to make everyone I love look like an enemy to me... And many many more.

Looking back now, was that sentence really a game, Murat? Did you really lie to me there too? Was this really manipulation too? I was so naive, so clean, and so bluntly explaining myself and asking for something, you could just say yes or no. That's what Turkish men do. Were you really that planned? How did you plan all this? How did you calculate that this sentence would bring me down to your conditions? When did you set up this equation? I'm feeling tired...

I haven't had an idea to write for a while. I think I've gotten some distance from my problems. Is this healthy? What am I messing with? I don't think it would be very healthy for me to focus on problems related to my husband all the time. But what is the reason behind that I can't think of any troubles or good memories with him, these days? I hope this is not a suppression that will make myself unhealthy even more. I hope I just took a break to take a breath...